matt's 101 in 1001

I'd like, if I may, to make a non-European diversion on my humble slice of the Internet to talk about an issue that is near and dear to my heart. Last week, I had the honour of seeing a little-known picture right in the heart of London's cinema district, Leicester Square. There was, quite frankly, nowhere else I wanted to have this experience, than where so many of cinema's greats have fronted up at the premieres of their latest films.

Friends, family, random Internet browsers... I'm talking about Snakes on a Plane.

Yes, arguably the greatest film to hit screens since Plan 9 from Outer Space has finally slithered our way with all the fanfare of a post-Under Siege Steven Seagal picture. Having been an Internet phenomenon for nigh on a year, Samuel L. Jackson's self-proclaimed ultimate B-picture is a piece of pure, unadulterated cinematic hedonism.

With a title that conveniently doubles as a plot synopsis and gives a darn good indicator of the genre (would you expect a romantic comedy or, to make this blog entry relevant to Europe, a British period drama to possess such a monikor?), you know exactly what you're getting. Throw Sam Jackson into the mix, and honestly, where can you go wrong?

The movie plods along, merrily checking off a list of every disaster film cliché you can possibly conceieve:

• token unwilling leading character, who finds himself in a situation beyond his control - check
• token flight attendant making her final flight before a career change - check
• token flamboyantly gay flight attendant - check(?)
• token motley cast of passengers: stuffy businessman, unhappily shafted from first class; stuck-up socialite (complete with yappy dog in handbag); rapper with wisecracking sidekicks; kids taking their first flight alone after their soldier Dad farewells them at the airport; honeymoon couple keen to join the mile-high club; and so on, and so forth - check
• token love interests all 'round - check
• token moment where flight attendant bursts out of the cockpit and asks, "Does anyone here know how to fly a plane?"
• several token "there's only one man who can get us out of this situtation" situations
• and, of course, our token hero: Samuel L. Jackson as the awesomely-named Neville Flynn, a man who can take charge of any situation with enough manliness to make the great Chuck Norris look like a ballet dancer (only kidding, Chuck's the man)

All present and accounted for!

Only one thing missing: 500 improbably and ingeniously provoked snakes released onto a passenger jet as part of an equally improbably and ingeniously concocted mob scheme. Each of these beauties is shot in such a way that the real snakes and the seemingly half-heartedly rendered computer-generated snakes possess all the glorious cheese of a fine block of Swiss cheddar.

You don't sound too convinced, no? Sounds like rubbish, right? Well, that's where you're wrong!

Each ingredient is daintily added to the mix, ever with nothing but sheer self-awareness of the whole affair. Even the snakes have their own typically amusing Jaws-esque theme that pipes up everytime one of the slithery suckers offs a cartoon character-like passenger. The whole mixing pot is lovingly tossed and turned with nothing but the utmost appreciation for B-grade cinema and ultimately left to simmer for an hour and a half, resulting in the most fun I've had at the cinema in years and the best disaster spoof since Airplane!.

And for those of you even-slightly acquainted with this cinematic gem, I can proudly say that yes, the moment does come where Sam, God-like, proclaims to an audience waiting with baited breath, "Enough is enough! I have had it with these muthaf***ing snakes on this muthaf***ing plane!"

This, folks, is what cinema is all about!

May I leave you with Sam's words of wisdom, as he presented this year's Best Film award at the 2006 MTV Music Awards:

I'm here tonight to present the award everyone's been waiting for: best movie. Now, this award holds a special place in my heart because next year I'll be winning it for 'Snakes on a Plane'. Now I know, I know that sounds cocky, but I don't give a damn. I am guaranteeing that 'Snakes on a Plane' will win best movie next year. Does not matter what else is coming out. The new James Bond... no snakes in that! 'Ocean's 13'... where my snakes at? 'Shrek the Third'... green, but not a snake. No movie shall triumph over 'Snakes on a Plane'. Unless I happen to feel like making a movie called 'Mo' Muthaf***ing Snakes on Mo' Muthaf***ing Planes'.

Too true, Sam. Too true.