#27 Buy a new mobile phone

Status: More frustrated than that time I saw Bodie laugh at the Meet The Spartans trailer

New from Samsung - the sleek, sexy, seriously infuriating M300. For an exorbitant amount, you can snap up this cellular swiz, complete with a host of utterly dissatisfying features:

• pre-emptive SMS feature that completely freezes your phone, effectively pre-empting you from typing anything
• smooth, stylish fonts evocative of those featured in '80s era arcade games
• gaudy yellow interface (the technical colour may be "melted butter")
• a large selection of ear-piercing ringtones, not recommended for use near large panes of glass
• 7 pixel camera (not to be confused with a 7 megapixel camera) that presumably captures your soul as it captures your dim, blurry image
• available in 13,728,405 different pricing structures, each more confusing than the one before it (and paradoxically, the final pricing structure is more mind-boggling than the first one)

It does have one redeeming feature: a three-inch armour coating, capable of resisting even the most severe of knocks. It even survived a tumble down an ascending escalator, a fall which, theoretically, could have lasted for ever.