#10 Have my wisdom teeth removed

Status: Hideously disfigured

SURGEON: There is a one in 1000 chance that your nerves could be damaged during surgery, causing you to lose all feeling in your lower mouth.
MATT: Has that ever happened to anyone you've operated on?
SURGEON: No.
MATT: How many people have you operated on?
SURGEON: 999.
MATT: Oh.

Well, no, that conversation didn't happen (my surgeon was brilliant). Nor am I hideously disfigured. But it is true that I've had my wisdom teeth extracted.

Less than 24 hours ago, I had no idea I'd be whisked away to have this dreaded task fulfilled last night. After being forced to endure an entire episode of The Bold And The Beautiful in the waiting room, which was arguably more painful than the operation, I was injected with anesthetic, which I vainly tried to fight, and awoke seemingly seconds later sans my lower two wisdom teeth. It's a bit painful now, but I'm hoping this has put an end to the week from hell I've just had.

I do currently resemble Jack Pumpkinhead, from the 1985 quasi-sequel, Return To Oz, in that my face is now wider than it is long and has an odd yellow tinge to it (the green stem currently protruding from the top of my head was an unexpected complication).

Unfortunately, the Tooth Fairy failed to deliver the goldmine I expected for the removal of these two teeth. Bitch.

#10 Visit the dentist

Status: Errr...

"Matt has the worst wisdom teeth I've seen in seven years!"

- Matt's dentist

If anyone is so financially inept as to ever make a movie about my life (preferably directed by Steven Spielberg, but not starring Tom Cruise), that's the quote I want slapped on the poster.

Best of all, it's true, it's intriguing and it gives some idea of the conflict presently in my life. Yes, those pesky wisdom teeth of mine, in all their stupidity, have decided to break through my gums at right angles so perfect you'd need a protractor to tell otherwise.

I'll spare you all the grisly details of what must happen next, but needless to say, it's going to be a more delicate, painful and presumably, costly procedure than most wisdom teeth extractions. What's more, the buggers have got to come out within the next six months or my head will explode (obviously I'm paraphrasing).

Accordingly, I'm renaming this task to "Have my wisdom teeth removed". Where's the sham now, huh?

#24 Buy seasons seven, eight, nine and ten of The Simpsons on DVD

Status: 10 + 1

Do I get extra points for this?

#55 Beat Craig at a "Best Of 9" game of pool

Status: Victorious

Pfft! This list was supposed to be a challenge! All I needed was just one attempt to thrash my brother at pool, after which he collapsed on the ground, defeated.*

Observe as I line up my triumphant final shot.

*This is a lie. It was actually rather close and he was gracious in defeat. Apologies if the body of this post was in any way misleading.

#10 Visit the dentist

Status: In pain

"What a sham item!" I hear you cry. "Visit the dentist! Pish-posh! Why not list 'Eat' or 'Breathe' or 'Blink' as items! Your whole list is a disgrace and, quite frankly, you're much less deserving of my friendship than I could ever have thought!"

Well, good point and well made; even if I can't blink at the moment due to an inexplicable bout of conjunctivitis. So there!

Unfortunately, that's not my only ailment at present. For the past few days, it's felt like my jaw is in a vice. Sure, I'm dosed up on Nurofen to the point where I'm adamant I wasn't walking my dog yesterday, but rather a polka-dotted flamingo with an umbrella. However, it's done nothing for the fact my jaw is also clicking in and out of place like [insert hilarious and appropriate metaphor here].

Anyway, I called the dentist to make an appointment yesterday - personally, I'm worried it's my inaptly-named wisdom teeth - but it seems I can't get an appointment until February! Good thing this isn't 101 in 101, or I'd be freaked!

Although, I could probably get away with 'Eat', 'Breathe' and 'Blink', then...

#4 Book Canada flights

Status: Broke, but excited!

It's official - I'm going to Canada!

On 28 December, I'll be globe-trotting from Brisbane to Auckland to Los Angeles to Minneapolis to Winnipeg to The Pas and, finally, to Flin Flon! I'll be there for a week with Jackie's family and then it's back to Edmonton!

Courtesy of Jackie, here's a picture of the winter wonderland I'll be living in!

#35 Complete 10 random acts of kindness

Status: 1/10

I was standing in the bookshop at Robina Town Centre last week, flipping through the pages of a Charles Dickens novel, or something similarly highbrow, when the lady standing beside me asked if I could do her a favour.

I gladly obliged and she asked if I could retrieve for her a copy of May Gibbs' Snugglepot And Cuddlepie from the top shelf. Craning my neck skywards, I attempted to locate the book in question. Squinting, I could just make out the hardback book, perched delicately on the very top shelf. It was at least twenty feet off the ground. I looked back at her and she smiled. I couldn't say no.

I clambered uneasily onto the bottom shelf and began to climb row upon row of books. After foolishly using one of the early Harry Potter novels as a foothold (as opposed to a much more stable later instalment), I slipped. Clinging desperately to The Dangerous Book For Boys, I dangled precariously 15 feet off the ground. The circulation from the ducted air conditioning was, at this altitude, unbearable. Through the hair whipping coldly in my eyes, I spied the lady way down below me with a look of pure admiration on her face. I grimaced, and with sheer determination, swung back in toward the shelf and, crashing into a row of yellowing Goosebumps books, made my way to the summit.

Once there, I carefully reached out, slid the book off the shelf and placed it under my arm. With my spare hand, I reached up and yanked an electricity cable that was connected to a security camera and tied it around my waist. Gently, I abseiled my way to safety and handed over the classic children's picture book to a very grateful customer.

Mission accomplished.

As a caveat, you may notice some of this tale is embellished. To clear the air, I was reading Jeremy Clarkson, not Dickens.

#37 Complete UK tax return

Status: Level 1

I honestly sat down tonight with the intent of finally finishing my UK tax return.

Then I found this.

So I can hardly be to blame, right?

#41 Find Magners Irish Cider outside of the UK

Status: Drunk

Well, not really. But merry.

I can't even begin to tell you (for obvious reasons) how many literally pint-sized bottles of this delicious drink I consumed while living in London.

Given how important a part of my British life it was, it's been an essential search to track down some scrumptious Magners Irish Cider Down Under. I'd heard rumours that it existed here... I even had a sighting once! But I had never witnessed it available in a bar first-hand. Until today!

After a surprisingly arduous walk from Main Beach to Surfers Paradise (as part of Bodie's 101 in 1001), we stepped into the first Irish pub we could find, and lo and behold, there it was!

Mmm, delish!

#26 Walk the dog three times a week for a month

Status: Lazy

I think this list is consuming my life. Last week, while I was working, I had to fill up my car with petrol. The attendant at the service station asked if if I was starting work or finishing. I simply replied, "In progress".

"In progress?" Who talks like that? If I could have said it in bold, red font I would have.

Despite this subconscious obsessiveness, it's my sad duty to inform you that, after getting off to a walking start, I have dismally failed this attempt to complete what is, frankly, a very easy task.

Week One went off without a hitch, but I started to slip in Week Two, only walking Dana twice. By Week Three, I didn't walk her at all, but bravely thought to myself I could successfully complete the task by walking her every day this week, thus averaging out to three times per week over the whole month. It's now Saturday and I couldn't even tell you where her leash is.

Anyway, to distract you from my dismal failure, I've posted a sickeningly cute picture of my dog.

Awwwwww, isn't she cute! Wook at dose big, adowable eyes! And dat wittle bwack nose! And de way her mouf is open wike she's smiwing! Wook at it! Wook!

...what failure?